I don't usually write journals here, but eh, why not?

This is my never-happy-go-lucky-account anyway.

So, let's begin. And yes, I do write like this since I seldom write, and I like keeping myself interested.

Anyway, yeah, infatuation. Love it or hate it, it's annoying. Can you guess where I stand on it? *shrug* Not to bother any of you with this but let's just say I'm not exactly in the best of states. I've always had problems with just about everything and the denial has just gone away. I don't like playing the blame game so I'll just go with, I'm so messed up, anyone and anything sets me off. The closer I am/was, the worst the results. And heh, on top of that, I'm a total idiot. Emotionally and culturally. I can say smart sounding things, but that only comes from growing up with educated people and watching The Discovery Channel more then Barney. As well as homicide and urban legend shows. You watch enough of those and re-runs, and you'll impress anyone. So I guess I come off to smart to some people, and smart plus trouble comes to, you guessed it, a pity fest. Good, old, f****** pity. No matter how much I try telling anyone how much I hate it, they still do so and deny calling it pity. And I consider pity lies, and lies fall into my "you do that to me and you can die without me caring" category. I only have four of those. Guess it's still four too many.

Where am I going with this? Well, let's add infatuation to this mess. Unrequited too, just for the hell of it. Not pretty, is it? Story of over a billion lives and most people manage. Lucky them.

I've tried therapy, and I didn't like it, I tried meds, and the doctors didn't settle with me. Anyone I'm close to doesn't seem to fully understand. Or they just pick one sentence out pf the paragraph and go on making a moron of themselves. And not talking just ups the anger management need. Doubt I can get that though.

Anyway, if you're sick of reading all this, skip to this: what is it with infatuation and the f***** causing it to get away with anything? I used to mock and judge women and men who went back to an abusive relationship, and even people who decided to fall for someone they knew it would never work. Hell, even idiots in abusive friendships and families. It's stupid, no doubt there. But no one can really help it. Not even the bloody abuser them self.

See, when you're angry with someone you're close to, and I mean angry enough to hurt them, you're telling yourself that you never want to see them again, never want to hear them again and most of all, you never want to think about them again. And then that person does something, says something and all of that anger if put on hold. It doesn't go away, which is what people need to understand- it'll never go away, but it's put on hold none the less. And you, being stupid, go along with it, of course you do, you're infatuated. Problem is, no one is perfect and that person will do another thing to piss you off. It's just a matter of time. And you end up twice as angry.

And yes, I am in a situation like this, I just prefer typing 'you'.

I don't really have a point in this, I'm just hoping that if I write it out, I can finally stop wondering about it. Seems pointless? Well, if you watch Daily Planet (on discover channel), you'll know that just THINKING can take up at LEAST 10% of your energy. The brain uses 14% but of course you have to consider the heart beating, your lungs breathing, the digestive system and yada yada yada. So maybe thinking takes up less, but what if it takes up an ADDITION of that 14%? I'm digressing though.

So yeah, after a while of "screw life" I can try and get back to whatever the hell happiness resembles.